love & hate
Is nothing sacred to him—untouchable, safe? I wanted to write him an angry letter but that would be evidence, an article of proof that he could later on twist somehow to wield against me. I thought things with all of us were all right, that we were making it easier, but he just messed it all up like it didn't matter -- because it doesn't matter to him, nothing matters, not even his own Mercie.
If the situation were reversed, if we were them and they had been us, I would be so mortified if I knew what my brother was doing after I had died; but who knows, I don't know what happens after you die, I don't remember that part. All I remember is before and after, even if the before came back to me in harrowing slivers, one flash at a time.
I didn't correct him when Marius implied that it was good that I didn't remember, because for what? The notion that I don't remember probably comforts him if nothing else. Is that considered a lie? What would the point in him knowing that I know be? Would he want me to talk about what happened to me? Jett never expected me to talk about the thing in Chicago that broke us and we never talked about it, I only discussed it once. With Torie, once.
I don't want to ever talk about what happened the night that I died, not with anyone—not Aden, not Marius, not Mina, not Patrick, not Torie, no one. As far as I'm concerned, I was dead and then I wasn't dead and that's the end of the story.
Aden just pissed me off. It upset Marius that he did that with Luciana, and if it bothers Marius, it bothers me. It also upset me because I can tell how much he cares about his mother, and these are rich people, modern aristocracy even. Growing up on welfare and building an empire on being a rockstar, a sex symbol, a criminal and a killer and a whore -- I just don't see how she'll want me for Marius, I don't see how she could approve of me and I want that without wanting to want that, I don't want anything to mess us up.
I don't want to want the approval of another woman. I wanted that from my own mother for long enough and just look what that did to me when it never came.
I'm stupid because I thought he cared, I thought that Aden cared in some way, even if it was little, about me. I thought we shared things that meant something. And I'd almost think he's mad at me for sharing the dreams with Marius, but I can't convince myself of that and maybe that's because I see things through Vega-tinted lenses now.
He just doesn't care in the slightest, does he? Nothing matters, not even his own sister because just look at him. I don't matter and Marius doesn't matter and his nephew doesn't matter and his aunt doesn't matter. I wanted to talk to him about something, something big, but now I don't think that I can because he's completely untrustworthy. He'll only use it later to hurt me, he can't keep secrets, he can't even keep his mouth shut about something as private, as personal, as Prince.
It surprises me a little that it hurts me, genuinely hurts me, and I want to knock his door down so that I can scream at him, so that I can ask him what the fuck his problem is, but even that wouldn't even make me feel better because I know it would do nothing, I know it would not matter. I don't know what I'll do. I don't know that there's anything that I can do.
Just hate him, all over again, and wish there was nothing that held the hate together.
